Do you believe in happily ever after?

Recent events in my life have been a tremendous cause for reflection and retrospection. I have a good sense of humor, and love to laugh about things, but it has been incredibly difficult for me to find a reason to laugh lately.

I recently began dating a woman I have known for the past couple of years. She has played in my pool league for a couple of years, and although I never knew her outside the pool hall, I talked to her many times, and over time came to respect her and admire her, for many reasons I don't really need to elaborate on here. Suffice it to say that I have learned over time that she is a warm-hearted, caring, and genuine person; one of those personalities that everyone seems to be drawn to. She attracts friends like a rare earth magnet; once you are in her circle, you are there forever.

Or so I thought.

In mid-March, we began to see more of each other, and within a relatively short time, decided to see each other exclusively. We shared so many things; we are both huge Lord of the Rings geeks, we both are passionate and creative in our own ways, we are "foodies." Our attraction for each other was almost self-destructive; many times, we would stay up all night long talking and otherwise enjoying each other's company, even on "school nights." We recognized this, and made a conscious effort to reign it in, and try to go slow. Considering the passion and attraction, I think we did a fairly good job of it.

And then, I did something stupid. Looking back on everything, I can see that thing as the defining moment in our relationship, where things took a turn down a different road, and before long we were lost, desperately trying to find out way out of the woods, but only managing to get deeper and deeper. What was this horrible thing I did? What is it that would cause such a drastic change in our relationship, and cause us to lose our way?

I fell in love with her.

Yes, that is my horrible crime. A terrible mistake, indeed. She warned me, too--told me that she is not good at relationships. She hinted over and over that she is not lovable, that she has a nasty temper, the likes of which I have never seen before, something so terrible to behold that I should hope it never surfaces. She told me how she doesn't believe that anyone can fall in love after a short time, even though she has fallen instantly in love in her past. She seems to have a low opinion of herself, and doesn't see how anyone can fall in love with her, especially when she has so carefully and painstakingly crafted this perfect image of herself as a cold-hearted, uncaring bitch.

She did't seem to realize that with the X-ray glasses of love, one can see past the exterior shell she donned to the real person underneath: a warm, caring, vulnerable woman who is quite obviously in a LOT of pain.

When she told me about her "Slovak" temper, and how I should hope I never see it, I wondered about that. My first wife had a pretty nasty temper herself, and we had some pretty crazy fights. I am quite a stubborn person, as she is, and I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if we did end up fighting. Sure enough, we started butting heads about our ideas of where our relationship should be heading. We both agreed that we moved a little too fast, but we completely disagreed where we should go from there.

I felt that we should explore our feelings and try to move forward, cautiously if necessary. Her reaction was to retreat and build a castle around herself.

Our differing opinions were a breeding ground of discontent, and I began to think that it might be about time to see that infamous Slovak temper makes its presence known. Not that I was looking forward to it, of course, but I was curious about how bad it would really be. I was not prepared.

Let me tell you, my friends, my family, and even you, the odd stranger who somehow wandered onto this page and for some reason is still reading this boring story... I encountered something far worse than anything you could imagine. I had this picture of plates flying through the air, smashing into shards on the wall behind me; knives whirling through the air and whistling past my ears. Screeching, and hollering, and screaming.

No. It was worse. Much worse.

What I encountered was... nothing. That's right. NOTHING. Dead, cricket-chirping silence. At first, I figured she was thinking about things, as she said she was going to. I gave her the space she told me she needed, and stopped trying to talk to her, because she told me she wasn't ready to talk. The silence was deafening. Then I found out she was very sick, and I felt like an idiot. I sent her a text to let her know I was thinking about her, and that I hoped she'd feel better. I got little more than a virtual grunt, and only because she didn't seem to like what I had to say. It was pretty obvious she was having some very negative thoughts about me. I put that on her being sick, and left her alone.

But... I loved her, and I am a romantic, so I sent her some flowers. They were definitely delivered; I received confirmation of that. Still... nothing. No "Thank you." No "I got the flowers." No "What the fuck are these for, you piece of shit?" NOTHING. Still... I figured I'd wait.

After a few more days of this, I decided it was time to tell her how I felt about her, regardless of her desire to wait until she was ready to talk. Despite her feelings toward me, which more and more seemed to be on the side of (hatred? loathing? disgust?) who knows what, I loved her. I don't love lightly, and I don't easily give up on the one I love.

But, she told me she also believes in the same things I do about relationships: honesty, communication, trust, and respect. She told me that if she didn't want to be with me, that she'd have said so by now, and that she was trying to figure things out. I had to believe there was still hope, that she would open up her heart, tear down the walls, and stop being afraid to love me back. I hoped and prayed that she would realize that she had a good man who would always be there for her, who would always be at her side when she needed it, who would always leave her alone when she needed her space.

So much for that.

I believe in happy endings. E.T. goes home, Hansel and Gretel kill the bad witch, Dorothy wakes up from a dream, and I find the love of my life and live happily ever after. I am a hopeless romantic, and I will always be. I had hoped for her sake that she would wake up from her nightmare someday soon, and realize just how wonderful it would have been to have someone in her life who loves her: body, mind, heart and soul.

I truly hope she finds that someday. Everyone deserves to be happy. It just won't be with me.