Retargeting Ads, Shut the F#@% Up!

Imagine this... you walk into to the geek Disneyland called Best Buy (for me, actually, it's Fry's electronics. I get a nerdgasm every time I enter the store! But I digress). You walk over to look at the laptops because you think you might want to get one soon. While you're standing there looking at the latest HP notebook, a sales person walks up to you and asks you "Hi, sir, did you have any questions about that laptop?" You politely decline with the ubiquitous "No thank you, just browsing," and she smiles and walks away to help another customer.

It's all good so far, right? That's what YOU think.

So, you wander over to the TV section, checking out the cool new things they've come up with. Some of them are paper thin, and woah, check out the 3D demo! Suddenly, a voice behind you says "Hi there!" Oh, these sales people are so helpful, aren't they? You turn around to rebuff their advances again, only to see the same woman you spoke to by the laptops.

"Uh..." you respond with the utmost intelligence.

"So, have you reconsidered the HP? Did you know it comes with a dual core processor?" she offers with that toothy smile.

"Thank you, but I'm really not interested right now," you politely reaffirm.

"Okay then, sir. Have a great day."

Shaking your head, you move on to look at the cameras. They have some really cool ones with megapixels out the a--

"You know, if you were to buy one today, you'll get a free carrying case!" There she is again, smiling up at you expectantly, holding up a laptop bag. She's starting to creep you out a bit, but you're a nice person, and you politely tell her "look, I just want to look around at stuff. If I decide to buy the laptop, I'll come over and look for you, ok?"

"Yes, sir," she states, and walks away.

You shake your head, and turn back to the cameras. Suddenly, you sense someone behind you again. You spin around, annoyed, and find 4 sales people, smiling at you and presenting the laptop and various laptop accessories for you. Now, you definitely don't want to buy anything. In fact, you just want to run out of the store, screaming!

Would you continue to shop there? Of course not! That sort of behavior is unacceptable, and downright annoying. Yet that is exactly what it is happening online, and it's getting out of hand!

Rori has been in the market for a bluetooth keyboard for her iPad 2. I looked at a few of them online, and found a pretty cool one that I may buy for myself at some point--the ZAGGfolio. Yes, it's a cool keyboard/case. But I decided not to get one yet.

Now, however, Google Adsense knows that I was looking at it. And every time I visit a web site with Google ads, I am presented with an ad for the ZAGGfolio. I have even opened pages with no fewer than 3 ads for the ZAGGfolio ON THE SAME PAGE! In fact, when doing research for this article, I found a page on Slashdot about "retargeting" ads. Lo and behold, there was an ad for the ZAGGfolio at the top of the page!

Ok, I get it. Google Adsense is attempting to present me with ads for things I am interested in, rather than just blindly presenting ads for things I may have absolutely no desire to buy (seriously, I don't care about some "weird" trick for losing weight!). But come on... the ZAGGfolio is not the only thing I have shown interest in! At the very least, can you not show me various bluetooth keyboards?

The answer is "no," because ZAGGfolio has requested this retargeting ad. I visited their website, so they created a cookie on my computer that tells Google Adsense that they want to present me with ads when I visit any other site with Google ads.

Fine. But if they can request it, I should have an opportunity to say, digitally, "I am just browsing. Leave me the fuck alone!" Because that's what we REALLY want to say to these annoying sales people, right?

Does anyone know how to get a restraining order against Google?

Loudmouths, Shut the F#@% Up!

The other day Rori and I were at California Pizza Kitchen (CPK for those of us in the know). At the table next to us were a family of four, accompanied by the father's boss and his wife (How do I know it was his boss? Seriously, dude. Read the title of this blog entry).

The boss (let's call him Richard) was talking to the son, asking him if he knew what bonds were used for (his father is a bonds trader). The son answered him, and the boss gave him a verbal pat on the head, and then proceeded to tell this 10 year-old boy that his dad "made a lot of money selling bonds," or some such shit. Did the boy care? No. He stared at his food, wishing (I am sure) that this douchebag would shut the fuck up so he could enjoy his meal in peace.

In fact, Richard wasn't telling the boy about his dad's work. Instead, he was really using the boy to tell everyone else in the restaurant what he did for a living. What I got was: "Hey everyone, guess what? I am an assho--no, I'm sorry, I mean a bond trader--who makes a buttload more money than any of you. In fact, I'm here having dinner with my subordinate (who is paying for my cheap ass), who also makes more than any of you. I know you all wish you were me. Did you know I drove here in my Jag? Yeah. I'm that special."

Richard... SHUT THE FUCK UP! Nobody cares. Everyone here who can hear you (and that means everyone in the restaurant) thinks you are a complete and utter jackass, and we don't need to hear you speak to your lackey's son in such a condescending tone. If I weren't such a nice guy, I would probably wish you'd choke on that calzone. Good thing I'm not an asshole too, huh?

While we're at it... You "Richards" who sit in the movie theater directly behind me, SHUT THE FUCK UP! I don't need to know how funny the next scene is because you've already seen it. I don't want to hear all the trivia about each actor, and who's married to whom, and how much the director cut out of this film to make the PG-13 rating. I don't care that you have to pee. Go fucking pee! And while you're at it, would you mind too terribly if I asked you to STOP KICKING MY FUCKING SEAT? Sorry. I know this is about Loudmouths, but it had to be said.

Telephone Background Talkers: SHUT THE FUCK UP! Seriously! You are in an office, and the people around you are on the phone all of the time, talking to other customers. You just shushed me 5 minutes ago when I coughed. Now you're off the phone, standing three feet from me, and asking Janice 4 cubicles away if she's seen your stapler! No, Janice doesn't have it. I have it, because I intend to staple your lips shut as soon as I get off the phone with my customer.

This also goes for you people who are trying to communicate, through me, to the person I am talking to on my cell phone. Here's a typical conversation:

Me: "Hi Bob, I can't wait to see you and your family. Here's how to get here. Just get on the freeway--"

Richard: "TELL HIM TO TAKE THE 680 SOUTH!"

Me: "Uh. Ok, Dick says 680 south is the best way. Oh, you're coming from--"

Richard: "IS HE TAKING 680? THAT'S THE WAY WE ALWAYS GO. AND TELL HIM TO CHECK OUT THE WAREHOUSE THAT BURNED DOWN. THE ONE NEAR EXIT 80. THERE WAS A FIRE THE OTHER DAY AND LIKE 5 FIRE TRUCKS SHOWED UP. THAT'S THE WAREHOUSE WHERE WE GOT OUR FIREWORKS LAST YEAR. I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF-- What was that? Oh, no, I don't need to talk to him."

Me: "Ok. See you soon, Bob."

Richard: "BYE BOB! DON'T FORGET TO BRING THE HOT DOG BUNS!"

...

By the way, Richard. Good luck with your surgery next week. I really hope they'll be able to extract that cell phone without too much difficulty.

Home of the Free? You really think so?

I hate being a Libertarian. No, not because of the Libertarian platform. That, I fully support, and is the very reason I am a Libertarian. What I hate is that my vote doesn't count.

That's right, I said it. MY. VOTE. DOESN'T. COUNT. Not only does it not count, but it counts in favor of the guy I LEAST want in office. Think I'm full of it? Read on, my friend.

But, before you do, I implore you to watch some short videos on our voting system, created by C. G. P. Grey:

• Politics in the Animal Kingdom (explanation of our voting system and its flaws)

These short videos are well done and very informative.  Best of all, they explain things in plain language, so even some of my not-so-informed friends will understand!

For those of you who refuse to click the link, but for some reason are still reading, here is the problem, in a nutshell:

Our current voting system is called First Past the Post voting, otherwise known as the Popular Vote. The rule is fairly simple, and seems fair: whoever gets the most votes wins.  Let's see how fair it is.  Let's say we have 5 candidates, in 5 different parties.  Here they are, along with the votes received out of 10,000 voters:

1. Blue Party: 1,734 votes
2. Red Party: 2,138 votes
3. Violet Party: 1,993 votes
4. Green Party: 2,301 votes
5. Pink Party: 1,834 votes

In our wonderful and "fair" system, the Green Party wins with the most votes: 2,301 out of 10,000.  However, they only received 23% of the votes, which means 77% of the voters, or 7,699 people out of 10,000, are now under the rule of someone they didn't want in office!  That is incredibly NOT fair. 

After some time, as the video mentioned above explains, this naturally leads to a 2-party system, with two candidates that the majority of the country does not want in office.

So how, you ask, does me being a Libertarian have to do with this? Better yet, how does my Libertarian vote help the candidate I least want in office? Think of it like this: Let's say the only 2 parties we have now are Republican and Democrat (yeah, hard to imagine, huh?). In this example, the Democrat has the platform I most agree with (even though I really don't agree with most of their policies, The Republican's is even worse), so I would vote Democrat. And, so would most Libertarians, because the Democrat's issues are more in line with the Libertarian ideal.

Let's also assume that in this election, if we were to hold it right now, the Democrat would win by a margin of just 100 votes -- a score of 5050 to 4950. However, at the last moment, a Libertarian enters the race, and he ends up with 1000 votes (850 of them from those who would have otherwise voted Democrat, 150 from those who would have voted Republican).  Now, the race ends with the Libertarian receiving 1000 votes, the Democrat with 4200 votes (5050 - 850), and the Republican getting 4800 votes (4950 - 150).

You don't have to be a math whiz to see that due to the entry of the Libertarian party (a party most sympathetic to Democrats in this case), the Republicans ended up winning because the Libertarians "stole" Democrat votes.  My vote for the Libertarian ended up hurting the Democratic party and helping the Republicans!

THAT is how my vote not only doesn't count, but really counts for the OTHER party. How much do you want to wager that some of the money the Libertarians received came from the Republicans?

Home of the Free, my ass.

Don't even get me started on gerrymandering and the Electoral College!

Seriously, my friends, I truly hope you will take the time to watch those videos.  They are actually quite entertaining, and easy to watch. And they will truly open your eyes to the amazing fiasco that is our voting system.  After learning how much control a few people have over the fate of our country, I see nothing short of another revolution fixing this problem. And that won't happen in a country this size. We're too unorganized, and our collective attention span is t-- oh, look, another cute baby video on YouTube!

Everybody, Shut the F#@% Up!

Okay, please, enough already. Everybody, everywhere... just...SHUT UP!!

There's too much noise. Too many people complaining about every little thing, that we're not even addressing the important issues. No, I am not going to talk about the important issues. This is about all of you just shutting your mouths for just a moment, and thinking. Let's have a moment of silence -- not to pray for someone, not out of respect for any one person. How about a moment of silence for the sake of the silence?

Are you racist?Seriously? Have you even looked at yourself for a moment? You are not perfect. You are balding, have a beer gut, or only 5 teeth. Your skin color is the result of certain pigmentation, brought about by the amount of sun your ancestors received over the past millennia. Get over yourself. You were not put here to judge anyone. You have too many flaws yourself to be concerned about others. Move on,and shut the fuck up.

Are you a victim of racism? Get over it. Sorry, but you are not the center of the universe either. Others aren't going to like you, and sometimes it might be for something ridiculous. Do you really think you are going to change their mind with a few properly placed words?. If you are being physically threatened or harmed, defend yourself. Call the police if you have to. Deal with the incident at hand, but stop trying to get the world to love you. It's never going to happen. Live your life for yourself and your loved ones, and move on.

Bullies, listen up. You are an asshole. You have a lot of insecurities -- maybe your mother drinks, or your dad is absent. Maybe you were picked on by your older brothers.You may have wet the bed until you were ten, or you have a small dick. Whatever it is, taking it out on someone who is scared of you is childish and frankly,cowardly. Remember, karma is a bitch, and there will ALWAYS be someone bigger and stronger than you.

Bully victims:Seriously, man up. Did he call you a fag, because you are attracted to guys? Did he make fun of your red hair, or your glasses? If it gets physical, then alert the authorities. If not, they are just words. Guess what? The world is going to bully you. If anything, the schoolyard ruffian is preparing you for life. If everyone is allowed to protect you throughout your childhood, you are not going to be prepared for life when you become an adult. Learn to stand up for yourself.

LGBT community, I love you people. Well, not in that way. But you have every right to live the way you want to live. I agree that legislation against any personal freedom is wrong. But some of you have got to stop cramming it in every one's face. You are not going to change every one's mind, and acting like a deranged freak, marching naked in the street, is not going to solve the issues. It will only serve to inflame them more, which I believe for some of you is the goal all along. The drama queens are only happy if they are the center of attention. Get over it.If you want others to accept you the way you are, then accept them the way they are, flaws and all.

Family Values advocates: SHUT THE FUCK UP! OK, I get it. You don't like the image of two men engaging in sexual acts (although I bet you enjoy lesbian porn, don't you?).You have every right to feel the way you do. But who the hell are you to tell ME how to think? Your "values" are not the same as mine, or anyone else's. We are all different, and we all have a different set of values. Don't throw your children in front of you and tell me you are doing it for them. Bullshit.Children are accepting and resilient. They can deal with anything. It's your bigotry, your prejudices, and you are teaching those children how to be assholes. You want to teach family values? Start at home. And stay out of mine.

Don't get me started on religion, either. We'll be here all day. Let me just say that all of these "Christians" who say that everything in the Bible is"law" to further their own agendas would do well to remember this:That very same book teaches them that NOBODY is free from sin, that those who have sinned have no right to cast stones, and that the only one allowed to judge is their God. I'm sorry, but you have no leg to stand on. You have no right to judge gay people, atheists, or anyone else. The very book you use to"prove" your points is telling you to stop doing that. Your selective understanding of the very blueprints of your belief system is maddening, and you need to SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Atheists, I get you. I truly do. But please, stop poking the bear. You don't accept that people believe in an invisible man in the sky, and you are maddened by their attempts to shove the book down your throat. I understand. Do you really think that a group of people who (by your own account) follow an unreasonable book (and only selectively) that contradicts even itself are going to listen to your reasonable arguments against the existence of God? The only people listening and agreeing with you are those who already agree with you. Fine. You don't believe. Move on. Stop wasting your limited time in this universe on a lost cause.

I belong to the church of Bill and Ted. They have only two rules: 1. Be a good person 2. Have fun. To put it in their words: "Be excellent to each other, and party on,dudes!" Sure, it sounds "bogus," but the message is very sound.If people would simply shut the fuck up for a minute, and really think about what they are doing and saying, maybe this world would be a more peaceful,enjoyable place.

Enjoy yourself. Have a good time. And be good to other people. All 7 billion of them. How fucking hard can that be?