Sometimes, I am forced to take a good hard look at myself, and determine if I am happy with who I am. Most of the time, I am fairly happy. I'm a good man, I am kind to others, I help wherever I can. Am I selfish at times? Sure. Do I make mistakes? Absolutely. But I think that in the grand scheme of things, I'm a pretty decent guy.
However, as I said, I am sometimes forced to look in the mirror, and I don't like what I see. This time, it was pool. Most of you who know me know that I am very passionate about my game, and that I am a perfectionist. I could run 50 balls in a row, and get annoyed because I missed the 51st one. I also have a tendency to complain if I get a run of bad luck... we all hate it, of course, but I sometimes get a little more... we'll say "animated" when things don't go my way.
In my defense, I will say this: I never, EVER take my anger or frustration out on my opponent. My annoyances are always directed inwardly, or if not, at the universe for giving me such rotten luck. Unfortunately, I have learned through the grapevine (mostly friends who know me well) that many people think I am a bad sport, and that I DO take it out on my opponents. It absolutely kills me that anyone would ever think that about me.
Tonight, it was shoved into my face. I tried to joke with a friend who was having a bad game, and she turned on me, telling me that she didn't want to hear "any lip from me," that I "get pissed and bang my stick around" all the time... and that I should "shut it." I was stunned. I decided then and there that the best thing to do was leave, as I was done with both of the matches I had to play. So I left without a word.
Now, it would be easy for me to sit and stew about if for a while, and bitch and moan about what she said to me to anyone who will listen (or who is forced to because I've trapped them). It is tempting to write a note to this person about what I think about her outburst. But I am not going to do that. Instead, I decided to focus on the one thing that is really bothering me: the fact that she obviously views me as one of "those guys" who gets pissed off every time he misses a shot, and takes it out on other people. It KILLS me that anyone thinks I am like that.
To her credit, with the exception of that outburst, she handled her match (which she was losing VERY badly) mostly with grace and dignity. It's difficult to stay focused when you miss every shot. She definitely handled it better than I would have, and that is really the lesson I took away from this episode.
So, now I have to ask myself: How do I get there myself? How do I handle myself with poise? How do I just smile and have a good time, no matter how bad the table is rolling for me, no matter how badly I lose? I see many people do this... they miss an easy shot, and they laugh and joke and drink their beer. They are enjoying themselves. At what point do I look at this game, and the way I play it, and realize that if I am not having fun, then why am I playing?
I can't just walk away, though. I do love to play the game. I take pride in the fact that I am good at it. When I do shoot well, and I'm in "the zone," I LOVE to play. I just wish I could learn to enjoy it even when things don't roll my way.
To any of my pool buddies reading this, or indeed, anyone who has experienced similar situations in their lives, please feel free to tell me what you think the secret is. I am all ears. And to all of you whom I have played, and acted like a spoiled brat, I apologize. Please believe that I have NEVER directed my tirades at you. I have the utmost respect for all of my friends in the league. And to the person I mentioned in this note--you know who you are--I apologize. I do know how frustrating it is to have someone joke around when you are in such inner turmoil. To your credit, I didn't know you were that upset -- you didn't show it. I do hope you realize that I meant no disrespect.
