Back Blog

Hi again. It's been quite some time since I have written in my blog, for a variety of reasons. First off, Blogspot.com was acquired by Google some time ago, and they did away with FTP. I was fairly lazy, and wasn't blogging much anyway, so I didn't do anything to fix my site. Not that it was difficult to do; I just had better things to do.

Of course, most of you know that I have been using Facebook, and most of the things I have been wanting to say, I used their Notes application to blog it. Not the best blogging tool, but it works, and it's where I am most of the time.

In any case, I am going to try to be more diligent about blogging. It's a great way to keep the writing muscles tuned, and I know that SO many people really care about my life. Right? Hello?

I'm looking into a way to get these posts from the blogger site into Facebook Notes automatically... so if you are reading this in Facebook, I was successful. Yay me.

A hard look

Sometimes, I am forced to take a good hard look at myself, and determine if I am happy with who I am. Most of the time, I am fairly happy. I'm a good man, I am kind to others, I help wherever I can. Am I selfish at times? Sure. Do I make mistakes? Absolutely. But I think that in the grand scheme of things, I'm a pretty decent guy.

However, as I said, I am sometimes forced to look in the mirror, and I don't like what I see. This time, it was pool. Most of you who know me know that I am very passionate about my game, and that I am a perfectionist. I could run 50 balls in a row, and get annoyed because I missed the 51st one. I also have a tendency to complain if I get a run of bad luck... we all hate it, of course, but I sometimes get a little more... we'll say "animated" when things don't go my way.

In my defense, I will say this: I never, EVER take my anger or frustration out on my opponent. My annoyances are always directed inwardly, or if not, at the universe for giving me such rotten luck. Unfortunately, I have learned through the grapevine (mostly friends who know me well) that many people think I am a bad sport, and that I DO take it out on my opponents. It absolutely kills me that anyone would ever think that about me.

Tonight, it was shoved into my face. I tried to joke with a friend who was having a bad game, and she turned on me, telling me that she didn't want to hear "any lip from me," that I "get pissed and bang my stick around" all the time... and that I should "shut it." I was stunned. I decided then and there that the best thing to do was leave, as I was done with both of the matches I had to play. So I left without a word.

Now, it would be easy for me to sit and stew about if for a while, and bitch and moan about what she said to me to anyone who will listen (or who is forced to because I've trapped them). It is tempting to write a note to this person about what I think about her outburst. But I am not going to do that. Instead, I decided to focus on the one thing that is really bothering me: the fact that she obviously views me as one of "those guys" who gets pissed off every time he misses a shot, and takes it out on other people. It KILLS me that anyone thinks I am like that.

To her credit, with the exception of that outburst, she handled her match (which she was losing VERY badly) mostly with grace and dignity. It's difficult to stay focused when you miss every shot. She definitely handled it better than I would have, and that is really the lesson I took away from this episode.

So, now I have to ask myself: How do I get there myself? How do I handle myself with poise? How do I just smile and have a good time, no matter how bad the table is rolling for me, no matter how badly I lose? I see many people do this... they miss an easy shot, and they laugh and joke and drink their beer. They are enjoying themselves. At what point do I look at this game, and the way I play it, and realize that if I am not having fun, then why am I playing?

I can't just walk away, though. I do love to play the game. I take pride in the fact that I am good at it. When I do shoot well, and I'm in "the zone," I LOVE to play. I just wish I could learn to enjoy it even when things don't roll my way.

To any of my pool buddies reading this, or indeed, anyone who has experienced similar situations in their lives, please feel free to tell me what you think the secret is. I am all ears. And to all of you whom I have played, and acted like a spoiled brat, I apologize. Please believe that I have NEVER directed my tirades at you. I have the utmost respect for all of my friends in the league. And to the person I mentioned in this note--you know who you are--I apologize. I do know how frustrating it is to have someone joke around when you are in such inner turmoil. To your credit, I didn't know you were that upset -- you didn't show it. I do hope you realize that I meant no disrespect.

Termination!

My tenure at Disabled American Veterans has come to a screeching halt. They fired me. No, I was not RIFed, not laid off. I didn't quit. They FIRED me.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Well, if they fired you, they must have had a pretty good reason, right? I mean... you can sometimes be an arrogant prick, and you're definitely a slacker. Plus, when was the last time you showered???"

First of all... ouch! Why are you so judgmental? Second... irrelevant. You see, they had a very specific reason for firing me: Failure to demonstrate the necessary skills to exhibit basic core competencies. I will repeat that. No, I will repeat verbatim what they said in my termination letter (on very nice stationery, I might add):

Our new IT Director has had serious concerns about your performance and has communicated these to you over the past several weeks. Finally, he provided you with a very specific assignment designed precisely to determine whether or not you were capable of producing a work product that exhibited basic core competencies outlined in your job description. Your submission failed to demonstrate the necessary skill level and the new Director recommended your termination.

Go ahead. Stare blankly at the screen. I'll wait..... OK, blink now.

I know, I know... you are dying to know what this core competency is that I so obviously failed, that it required firing me. Aren't you? Well... come on, allow me a little dramatic pause...

First of all, most of you know me as a computer programmer, software engineer, or just plain "computer geek." I pride myself on doing my job well. Many of you also know that I am a writer, and that I was fortunate enough to be in the right place at the right time, and co-wrote a book on PHP. So, yes. I am a tremendous computer geek who knows how to write.

So, dramatic pause over. What did I get fired for? What is it that I failed so miserably at? Documentation.

D O C U M E N T A T I O N !

Do you want to know the story? I'll be happy to tell you. Those who were only here for the Reader's Digest version, thanks for coming, and don't forget to buy a T-shirt on your way out. The rest of you, feel free to grab something to drink, and I believe there are donuts and bagels in the back.

So... here is the Ballad of B.S.:



I was hired to work at DAV in 2008. The IT Director at the time was (and still is) a great leader. I have always believed that a leader should not be judged on his accomplishments, but on the accomplishments of the people he leads, as well as their willingness to follow him. By that measuring stick, he is one of the greatest leaders I have known, and probably ever will. This is why I will continue to follow him -- but that's another story for another time.

When I was hired, my job title was Systems Analyst. After a while, the job titles in our department were revamped, and I was given the title Software Engineer II. That is the title I had until the day I was “let go.” Some time AFTER that title was given to me, a new job skill was added to it: documentation. I don't currently have a copy in front of me, so I don't know the exact verbiage, but essentially, a Software Engineer must have the skills necessary to document the applications we are working on.

I have documented many, many applications. I used to be the Release Manager at Fifth Third Bank, and that required a ton of documentation. It's not that I don't have the skills. I do. Enough said about my core competency.

Late in 2009, our IT Director was fired. I don't know the details, but essentially upper management was not pleased with his management style. Some stuff happened, and they decided to get rid of him. He was gone, and our IT department was shocked. We managed to rally our spirits, however. He told many of us to “soldier on,” and to always remember the mission: our disabled vets. So we did.

Fast forward to January of this year (for those of you reading this in the future, or watching the movie version, I mean January 2010. Two years before the end of the world). Our new IT Director, Bill Saunders (hence, the Ballad of B.S. Clever, no?), was hired. The beginning of the end. His message to us: “Don't worry, I'm not here to fire anyone, and I'm not here to make drastic changes. I'm just going to observe for a while.” Days later, our Development Team was split up into smaller groups (isolating and “protecting” the web and Epicor dev teams). The new Dev Team consisted of 3 people responsible for development of our internal applications, in addition to a couple of other team members.

Bill made it clear that he did not like these applications, and wanted to “fix” them. If he had his way (and he wanted to get his way), they would be completely rewritten or we would find a third-party product to do the job (I won't even go into the research that had already been done before on this very thing). I had a bad feeling at this time. He had isolated the group responsible for the very applications he wanted to replace and was already bad-mouthing the products we were responsible for. NOT good.

At this time, we had a manager and a lead developer. They were given the task by Bill to provide him with documentation of our current systems, and to complete all of the current high priority defects. I was told by the manager that he was going to take care of documentation, and that he may be coming to me for information. For now, I was to concentrate on new development and defects. I did just that.

A few weeks later, both of them were demoted. We no longer had a development lead or a manager. Bill was now our manager, so we were to report directly to him. He called a meeting to explain what he had done. He also said that he was forming a new team: the Business Analysts. He explained to us that their job was going to be to gather requirements for new development, and to do documentation. This would be good for the developers, because we would be free to do what we were hired to do: code.

We were all very pleased; programmers HATE documentation – a VERY well-known fact in this industry. Of course, Bill knew this well. So at this point, we were quite happy that he seemed to be looking out for us.

Also at this time, Bill told us, the developers, that our number one responsibility was to work on priority 1 and 2 defects. As professionals, we wanted clarification on our other responsibilities... “what about new development? What about the priority 3 and 4 defects? What about documentation?” Bill responded, with more and more agitation as we asked these things, that our number one concern was defects.

“What is your number 1 concern???”

“Defects.”

“Right. So why are we having this discussion?”

Uh. OK. No need for condescension. Message received. We worked on defects.

I spoke to Bill about the defects at one point. He wanted to make sure that we would be able to complete the defects in a timely manner. He believed that they would take us to the end of April. I assured him that as soon as some of us were done with our assigned defects, we would help out with the other ones until they were all handled.

The other thing he said was “if you're not working on defects, you're working on documentation.” At this point, we had been told that we needed to document our applications. OK, so I guess we didn't get completely away from documentation. Oh well.

I was told to stop working on my last defect – it was a problem that was very difficult to solve, and was affecting our QA environment. I said OK, and asked if I should help with the other unfinished defects, since that was my last one. No, I was to start working on my documentation. Specifically, I was to work on a Functional Requirements Specification document. This was March 23. Up until now, I did my job, quite well and on time.

I won't go into details, but essentially a FRS document is very involved, and is usually something you write for a new project, NOT for an existing application. It involves a ton of research, including interviews with all of the key players involved. It typically takes months to write such a document. he wanted it ASAP. I enlisted the help of the person put in charge of our documentation efforts, the lead Business Analyst. We searched high and low for an existing FRS we could build upon. Nothing existed.

The following Monday, we had our daily defect status meeting (the meeting where we were micro-managed asked to provide daily updates on the defects we were working on). This meeting did not go well at all. One of our developers got into a heated argument with Bill, telling him that he kept changing what he wanted us to deliver, asking us for documentation that doesn't make sense for an existing application, and that he was being unreasonable asking us for all of it in such a short period of time.

Without belaboring the entire argument, Bill threatened this developer's job, adding “you better be very careful what you say next.” When the rest of us were asked, I backed this developer up, telling Bill that his claim that he has been “asking for this documentation for 9 weeks now” was inaccurate. I personally had only been working on documentation for 3 days at this point.

Four days later, on the following Friday, the developer who argued with Bill and I both had our compressed work schedules revoked. By email. On the day we had off, starting the following Monday! We were also sent (along with two others) a very condescending email outlining exactly what Bill wanted for our documentation: a project charter, and a fully complete functional requirements specification document. Project Charter??? This was the first we heard of this. Not only that, but we were to have each section reviewed and approved before moving on to the next. Micro-management at its finest.

It was at this time that I decided that we had had enough. I composed a letter to HR outlining the issues that I had concerns about. Most of it centered around Bill's constant changing demands, and the overall horrible morale problem at DAV. I finally met with the HR Director to discuss my concerns, and he expressed surprise at some things, but told me that he was already aware of most of the things in my letter. Danger, Will Robinson, Danger! The final warning to me should have been when he said “clearly, you are not asking for us to do anything here, right?”

Three days later, I was fired. And so was the developer who argued with Bill in that meeting. Not by Bill – he was nowhere to be found. Not only did he never talk to me about his issues with me, he couldn't even face me himself to fire me!

My termination letter says that Bill had serious concerns about my performance. He NEVER expressed those concerns to me. With the exception of a couple of very condescending and contemptuous emails addressed to everyone on the team, he never ONCE called me into his office to tell me he had a problem with my work, that I was under any sort of probation, or that my job was at risk. Honestly, had I known this, I would have worked 24/7 to deliver that FRS. I loved my job.

I was fired April 14. I never spoke to Bill, since that volatile March 29 meeting. He made himself my direct supervisor when he demoted my manager, and never spoke to me. How can you fire someone you never even talk to, unless... hmm.

It is my contention that the day he segregated our development team, he decided that he was going to target us, and fire someone. He clearly believes in management by fear: fire a couple of likable people, and everyone else will do their job with their heads down, afraid of being fired themselves. His tactic was to find something in our job description that is the most difficult or hated requirement, give us a moving target that will be impossible to hit, then fire us based on not meeting “core competencies.”

I am a software developer and author with over 15 years of experience and a proven track record. And I got fired over documentation. To all my friends who are still working for this man: I sincerely hope that you are able to endure. This cannot go on forever, but if it does, I hope that you are able to find a way to keep moving forward.

Good Luck to you all.

Pirate Laws

1. A pirate does not ask for directions. He relies only on his gut feeling, a compass, or a treasure map.
2. Parrots are the preferred pirate companion. Monkeys are an acceptable substitute, unless they fling their feces at people. Then they are an awesome substitute.
3. When fishing, a pirate uses either a sword, a knife, or his bare hands. Use of a hook is only acceptable in the event the pirate is missing a hand.
4. Pirates shall always wear boots, except in the case of a peg leg. Then one boot is acceptable. Flip-flops are right out.
5. Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of rum.
6. When describing the size of a treasure, a pirate is required to exaggerate by at least 130%. Flowers are not treasure under any circumstances, unless said flowers are made out of gold.
7. A pirate shall never wear lipstick, nail polish, or capri pants. Actually, that kinda goes without saying.
8. No pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails.
9. A pirate should always remove his hat in the presence of a bartender.
10. During a swordfight, swordfighting insults are required. In the event both participants are still alive at the end of the fight, the participant with the superior insults shall be declared the victor.
11. No pirate shall ever wear a "fanny pack".
12. All foods prepared by a pirate must include rum, grog, or beer. Boone's and other "Wench Punch" is prohibited.
13. A pirate may never compliment another pirate on the softness of his hands.
14. No pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless it is the tooth or tusk of an animal he killed. If in the presence of cannibals, a necklace is acceptable camouflage, but only if said necklace is made of human toes.
15. Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower.
16. No pirate shall drink Grog out of a glass. Grog is only to be consumed either straight from the barrel, or from a mug heavy enough to to kill a man.
17. Three-cornered hats, headbands and bandanas are the only acceptable headwear for pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball caps, mickey ears, top hats, sombreros, or anything with lace and flowers will be removed from the vessel-- head included. A grace period of one minute is allowed for hats looted from a tailory.
18. A pirate shall never wrap presents. The only thing a pirate gives is a bludgerin'.
19. Pirate Law: A pirate does not use the word "Fabulous". Ever.
20. No pirate shall attend a movie with less than an Arrrr rating.
21. Only a pirate is capable of killing another pirate. If you are not a pirate (let's say a ninja) and wish to challenge a pirate, they have a word for that. Corpse.
22. Pirate Law: "ARRRRRRRRRRR..." is a perfectly acceptable answer to any question.
23. A pirate does not "go shopping". Unless by "shopping", you mean "killing".
24. Peglegs must be made of timber or some other suitable wood. Plastic, ceramic, porcelain, or metal peglegs are utterly unnacceptable, simply because it complicates the use of the phrase "shiver me timbers".
25. Real pirates have chest hair. If you cannot grow chest hair, you may be a cabin boy.
26. Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo.
27. No pirate may ever change his shirt because it is "wrinkled". A pirate may only change his shirt if it is completely soaked in blood
28. When drinking, Pirates may sing. "Fifteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest" is preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs are not allowed
29. No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives the minivan into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum from said tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No exceptions.
30. No matter how hard it is raining, two pirates may never share an umbrella. Pirates do not fear rain
31. If circumstances demand a career change, a move into real estate brokerage or tax collection shall be considered a lateral move and said individual may keep their pirate status.
32. A pirate does not snuggle with an animal, unless he is trying to snap its neck. But I guess that wouldn't really be "snuggling".
33. A pirate may never wear another man's clothing, unless he first kills that man.
34. Two pirates must never share a bed or a hammock. It is perfectly acceptable for one pirate to sleep on the floor, or on a pile of treasure
35. Pirates do not wear eyeglasses or bifocals unless they are looking at a treasure map, and even then they are allowed only a monacle. Any comments about "Mr. Peanut" while wearing the monacle are prohibited.
36. When setting out on a voyage, a pirate does not pack a suitcase. He is only to bring what he can carry under his arms, or what his wench can carry on her back.
37. A pirate does not mow the lawn. Lawns are for landlubbers.
38. Lifting or removing one's eyepatch is extremely impolite but is not considered an insult. It's just kinda gross. Likewise, one should never remove another pirate's eyepatch, except with a sword to the face.
39. Pirates never use the words "fresh" or "feelings," and certainly not together (as in "I have that not-so-fresh feeling").
40. A pirate must never visit a tanning salon. If he is not already tan enough from searching for treasure, he hasn't been searching hard enough.
41. While creativity is encouraged during any barfight or battle at sea, pirates may only use the following types of sword; falchions, scimitars, rapiers, and particularly long knives. Katanas or any other Ninja sword are strictly forbidden, unless the Pirate rips off a Ninja's arm and hurls the arm, and attached Katana, as a projectile.
42. No pirate shall ever sit on a toilet seat, for any reason.
43. Kidnapping is an acceptable substitute for killing, but only if it is for the purpose of plank walking at a later time.
44. When swimming, pirates do not dive. They cannonball.
45. Cannoneers aboard a pirate vessel are not allowed to use hearing protection of any sort. No matter what the OSHA regulations say, if ye can't stand bleedin' from the ears, you have no business being a Pirate.
46. A pirate will never wear a patch that is any other color than black; unless it's halloween. then they can wear a patch with an eyeball painted on the outside. Polka dots are not permitted under any circumstances.
47. Female pirates are allowed some exception to rules concerning hygiene and garmentry, but must make up for it by using twice as much profanity.
48. Hooks are the only acceptable hand substitute. However, they may not have secondary attachments such as screwdrivers, bottle openers, corkscrews, or nail files. These are Pirates we're talking about, not Inspector Gadget.
49. A pirate's diet consists mainly of meat. If at sea, and meat is not available, shoe leather is an acceptable replacement.
50. Pirate Law: You can't spell pirate, without "irate". There's a reason for that, so don't even try.
51. No pirate will ever, ever raise his pinky when drinking any sort of beverage.
52. Pirate Law: When choosing clothing, even if it looks dirty, or smells dirty, it is clean.
53. A pirate may ride in a rowboat, if traveling to or from his ship. Use of a Kayak is only permitted if used for cannon target practice.
54. When drinking rum, the only thing a pirate adds to the rum is more rum.
55. The official Pirate religion is Pastafarianism.
56. No pirate shall ever play wiffle ball.
57. Under no circumstances does a pirate speak with a Ninja, unless he first decapitates that Ninja and uses his head like a sock puppet.
58. When at the office, answering the telephone with "Arrrrrrr" is perfectly acceptable for pirates. Other acceptable choices are "Avast!", and "Ahoy Matey!"
59. A Pirate does not read poetry, unless said poetry is scrawled on the wall of a bathroom.
60. All women are to be referred to as wenches, with the exception of female Pirates, who can be referred to as "lass".
61. Pirates do not clean up, except when gold falls out of a treasure chest.
62. Spilling rum is not acceptable, except in the act of "pouring some out for dead mateys".
63. A pirate may tell any tale of swashbuckling without being called on the details, as long as at least 51% of the story is true.
64. A pirate may never shave below the neck. Shaving above the neck is allowed, but only if the pirate shaves his entire head. In the presence of cannibals, a mohawk is acceptable.
65. No pirate may do the arm movements for "YMCA", or engage in country-western line-dancing.
66. Pirates do not say "please" or "thank you". The phrase "Arrr, I'll probably kill you tomorrow" is an acceptable alternative for "Thank you".
67. Should the ship's bow have a carving of a naked wench, mermaid, or something of the like, crew members should not touch it. Feeling up a wooden statue is unbecoming of a pirate.
68. Pirates do not "IM". The only instant message allowed is a sword through the chest.
69. Dental Hygiene for Pirates is not a priority. Should there be occasion, however, strong rum or salt water can be used as mouthwash. Anything "minty fresh" is strictly forbidden.
70. Pirates never, ever obey laws. Period.