What I do not want you to do is forward this note to everyone in your friend's list. You don't have to erase any answers and put your own in. Nobody is going to die if you don't tell 10 friends immediately. And no matter what you decide to do, I'm very sorry to say that it's not going to have any effect at all on your love life (although the instructions in my first paragraph might, if you play your cards right).
Don't get me wrong. I love Facebook, really. I think social networking is awesome, and those of you who know me know that I spend a seemingly inordinate amount of time updating my status and interacting with my FB friends. I just have a few things I'd like to get off of my chest. If this turns into a rant, I apologize (although not profusely). You could always close this now and go experience Real Life® for a while...
Still with me? Awesome. Let's do this.
- No, I do not want to join your mafia, be your Pet Society neighbor, or plunder booty with you and your Pirate friends (well... maybe the last one, but only if you are not talking about treasure). I find it amazing how many times my friends ask me to join them in Mafia Wars. Sorry, not interested. I love to interact with my friends, but honestly, I'd rather have a beer and play some pool with you than buy a bunch of fake weapons and property with pretend money.
Remember when you used to make fun of those guys in high school in the computer club? How many times did you laugh when the football team gave the D&D players wedgies? Did you avoid Strat-o-matic Baseball players like lepers? Guess what? That's YOU now! Yes, believe it or not, you are now the nerd playing a fantasy role-playing game. Only now, a computer determines the random outcomes instead of a colorful 20-sided die. Enjoy, by all means. Just stop asking me to join you. I do NOT want to help you plow your field. Unless you mean that figuratively. - No, I will not grab a balloon, send you a virtual drink, or lick your lollipop. Seriously, dude. If you enjoy all the sexual innuendo that comes with these games, go for it. You do know that I'm a guy, and that I don't swing that way, right? Stop adding me to your invite list! And if you are a female, I REALLY don't want to lick your lollipop. That's just disturbing. But... if you have a field that needs plowing...
- No, I am most definitely not a movie star. Or a car. Or a cereal box cartoon. I don't want to know what soda pop, Jelly Belly, or comic strip I am. You do realize that these quizzes are made by other facebook members with even less time on their hands than you, right? Right??? They have no scientific basis in fact! You are not ANY kind of vegetable, I promise. Well... bad example. You're not a fruit, though. Wait... dammit. Let's move on.
- We need to have a talk about your flair. Okay, I admit... I like this one. They are funny. Sometimes. But seriously, nobody cares how you feel about Edward. Sending me the flair that wittingly informs me that you just did it for the points was funny the first 93 times. Number 94 was a little much. And yes, I know, you think LOLCats are the most hilarious thing since Bob Saget hosted Funniest Videos. Hil-air-ee-us. Pleeze, can I haz no more LOLCats? Kthxbai.
- If I wanted to know 25 random things about you, guess what? I'd have a conversation with you! I don't care what you ate for breakfast. Who's your favorite movie star? OMG, Angelina Jolie!!??!! ME TOO!!!!! ... I am NOT going to answer the questions, and I'm not going to send it to all of my friends. Believe me, nobody wants to know the last time I had sex, and they certainly don't want to know where some of my tattoos are located. Trust me on this.
- Apparently, many of you have an overwhelming urge to say something in your status. However, you suffer from FBSWB (Facebook Status Writer's Block). FBSWB is a serious condition that many of our loved ones suffer from. My recommended remedy (and this has not yet been corroborated by a doctor or the FDA) is this: First, put your hands on the edge of your desk. Now push. Excellent. Now... put your feet firmly on the ground, lean forward, and slow push against the floor. Awesome! You're almost there. Now. Here's the important step: Go do something else!
- "Join my cause." Um, no, but thanks. "Join my cause." It seems like a good cause, but I'm not interested. "Join my cause." Look, please, I told you, I'm just not--"Join my cause." I said no. Please stop sen--"Join my cause." Dammit! I don't wan--"Join my cause." Fine. I joined. Now leave me alone. "Thanks! Now join my group." [Sob]
- Old and busted: "Dude, you were SOOO wasted last night. Do you remember taking off your pants and trying to swim in my mom's fish tank? She would have been so pissed off if she found out! Probably good that you passed out on the kitchen counter before things got crazy, huh? Legendary!!!"
New hotness: "You've been tagged in Bob's photo." Oh, crap. I hope my mom didn't see that!
Please, please, PLEASE! Get my permission before you tag me in that embarrassing photo! - So... apparently it's raining where you are. You need coffee. You're really trying to make it through the day. You wish it was Friday, and you really want this headache to go away. I get it. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. But seriously... your constant negative status updates are giving me a headache, causing it to rain, and now I'm really wishing I could get through this day to get me that much closer to Friday. Where's my @#$%^& coffee?
- NO, I AM NOT GOING TO JOIN YOUR GROUP! Oh, it's "Bring Back Nap Time?" Sure, that's an awesome idea. But no other groups!!!
- I know this is going to come as a shock to you... you might want to sit down. Ok. You're my bestest FB friend, and I love you. But I seriously, honestly, do not care what score you got on Farkle. No, please, don't cry. It's not that I don't love you, I do. Oh, come on... of course I care. Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
Please... tell me how well you scored at Chain Reaction. Yes. I really do want to know. The suspense is killing me.
Now, get up, log out, and enjoy the sunshine. Go talk to a friend. Take your mom to the movies. Take a walk in the park with your sweetie. What's that? It's raining? And they are all busy updating their facebook status? I know, I know. It's enough to give you a headache. Tell me about it. No, I didn't mean that lit-- oh, fine. Might as well just write a list of things that bother you about facebook while you're at it.
